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1 Year Anniversary… and it still hurts

1 Year Anniversary… and it still hurts

So it’s been 1 year 1 month 3 weeks and a day since my mother passed away and I can tell you I struggled to write this.  Not because it was emotionally draining but there was so much stuff I wanted to say that it would sound like a disjointed 20 page essay with no clear beginning, ending or theme.   And even though I did not want this to turn into a venting “let’s feel sorry for the dude” or a “bitch fest about no one understanding me.”  from the looks of it.. it might turn out that way so please brace yourselves.

So how do I feel right now ? I feel like I am floating in a lost mixed emotion and mind space that I really can’t explain.

It’s hard to explain because I feel like though I have been trying to do things that would make me feel happy and positive (going on trips, etc) but for some odd reason it also has affected my relationships around me.  I feel like I’m  Jekyll and Hyde.  At work I transform into this happy joyful nurse that strives to make my patient feel good, better and even make them laugh.  It brings them joy…. it brings me joy.  But as soon as I get home reality hits.  I go back to that dark reality that I often try to push out of the way but everything reminds me of my mother.

Since I moved back home with my father our relationship has been good (thankfully.)  I was quite concerned how our relationship would be honestly.  I was scared that we would both lash out each other out of emotional breakdowns and fears and never get the chance to truly take care of each other and build that father son relationship  I felt was not as strong simply because I was closer to my mother.  Thankfully things have been good so far.   I respect his space, he respects mine,we both take care of each other and look out for each other and rarely ever have any arguments (and if we do its towards others not us ha!)  My relationships with my friends and other family members unfortunately have changed.  Some slightly…others drastic.    I now became the “guy who lost his mom to a brain tumour” or the “the nurse friend who lost his mom to cancer.” Or the best… “the nurse friend who works too much and does not have time  for his friends or family to grieve properly.”

Yep… you read that right.  “The nurse friend who works too much and does not have time for his friends or to grieve properly.”

Seems a bit insulting right?  Well some people don’t think so.  I will admit, I have been working a lot and I do use it as way of a coping mechanism (also a great way to clear your debt and bills!)  I don’t drink alcohol, do drugs, or participate in any high risk activity.  Apart from going to the gym, work has sometimes been a way to escape the reality I had to deal with and despite work being  stressful at times, I was able to put on this “front” and act like everything was cool . Unfortunately it made my already limited social life diminish to a tiny speck of dust.

And that’s when people stopped inviting me or asking me out to engagements and events. And that’s when people would stop phoning, texting me asking and seeing if I was ok. And that’s when people figured I was working too much that I did not have time to grieve properly.  This absolutely made me frustrated, exasperated and pissed.  To make matters worse when I was actually free on a weekend or Friday night to do something everyone simply just forgotten about me and either had made other plans or simply were not interested in doing anything because they were  “too tired.”    I even had one friend who recently gotten into a relationship tell me: “Well you’ve been so busy to hangout with your friends and do anything on the weekend so  now I met someone who I can chill with and hang on the weekends.”

Excuse – the – fuck- me ????  I am sorry I did not realize we were a married couple!!!

This, compounded with everything else just started a windmill of mixed emotions, thoughts, anger and depression.  I was a thermostat…. I was warm and bubbly at work but as soon as I got home or who had any interaction with friends who seemed to forget that I existed I became cold, flat, monotone and curt.  And my anger fueled more when I decided to things on my own simply because everyone was too busy for me and then the same friends get upset as to why  I never informed or told them.   It was loose-loose situation and I simply was getting exhausted for trying to explain myself for something that really deserved no explaining…….it was already self explanatory.

So through my entire disjointed rant what I am really trying to say?

Yes I am a nurse but that does not mean I am mean I lack emotion because “I’m trained and taught to do so.”  Yes I work crazy hours to take care of the sick but does not that mean I don’t enjoy  or receive therapeutic conversation and care by family and friends as I do with my patients.   People…. please be mindful.  Keep talking to those who are grieved with the loss of a loved one despite the fact that they might seem  “ok” in your eyes.  And remember this is not about YOU.. it is about them and their loss and trying to support them.  This is not the time for you be like “well they seem to be okay or they seem to be preoccupied with something so let me focus on myself as they don’t have time  for me.” This was not your loved one that died.  That has to be the most selfish inconsiderate thing to think about.  People heal at different stages and a different times of their lives.   People also have different ways on how they cope.  What you might consider a great way of coping may not be what someone else does.  As long as they are not harming themselves and others support them and be there for them instead of ridiculing them and chastising them for not being there…….for you.  Again this is not about you and your feelings, its about them and how they are coping.

Now that I got that off my chest I now have to get ready for work and put on that facade that everything is cool and I am just this happy go lucky guy…but in reality I am as sick as my patients….just emotionally sick.

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Posted by on August 29, 2016 in Uncategorized


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So you’re in your 30s and still single? Join the club!

Remember when you were in your late teens you had pre-planned your whole life?  You vouched that after graduating you would either move out from home or you would go to either college or your university and then move out once you graduated.  You would either find your own place or shack with your best friends and live the great single life until you eventually found the perfect one.   You then vouched that by your late 20’s to your 30s you would be married, happy and start a family with that big house and the white picket fence.  Everyone would be happy especially you would be happy.

But that dream does not go out as plan.

You are in your late 20s, and have gone in and out of relationships still trying to find that perfect one.  You still vouch that by the  time you hit 30 you would be married or have kids.  Then the big 3-0 hits and then you feel like your life is over. You still think that there is hope but you get discouraged by family who constantly question why you are in your 30s and not married or had any kids yet?  The pressure hits you and then you start forcing yourself into relationships and situations that were not made to be and then you become even more depressed.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 2012…where a lot of people who are in their 30s are single or may not have any kids yet.     So why is this the case?  Why aren’t we following that “traditional trend” that by a certain age you have to be married with kids?  After having this discussion with a lot of my friends, a number of themes keep coming up which though some might consider an excuse, play a huge relevant role.

First, the meaning of marriages and relationships these days have simply changed.   Remember back in the day when people got married, they stayed together regardless of the situation?  Heated arguments always were resolved later on and there was always an understanding.  Today people can argue about whom did not replace the toilet paper roll  and boom! A divorce.  People and society today has become angrier, hostile and egotistical that they forget that others exist around them.  It’s human nature that we get upset  when things don’t go our way but the level of exasperation about not having our way has almost shot up the roof.  My parents have been married for 37 years and trust me the amount of fights and arguments I’ve seen them go through they could have easily been divorced 10 times!  But guess what? They knew that eventually they would forgive one another and move on because that was said during the marriage vows:  “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish ’till death do us part.”  Seems like the better for worse part people forgot about.

A second reason why relationships and marriages seem to fail and that a lot of people are now single is that people don’t work to live…they live to work.  Our jobs have constantly taken a toll on most of our lives.  Demanding jobs and pressures sometimes make your social life not existent.  If you want to be a successful employee at work or get that promotion it sometimes it involves working long crazy hours that therefore impede on your social life.  For others, with hard financial times, one might have to work two sometimes three jobs just to make ends meat which makes having a social life difficult because either you don’t have the time or you simply just can’t afford it.

A third reason why there seems to be a lot of relationship issues is simply, people today are egocentric and greedy.  Face it, everybody today is always saying, “I gotta do me, first. I come first, I gotta take care of me.”  Taking care of yourself is one thing but only focusing on yourself and simply ignoring everyone else and shutting out everyone is problematic.  When this attitude of  “I’m too good for anyone” persists it sometimes leaves you pretty by yourself.   This also so called selfish attitude also leads some people to cheat on their partners because it is only their feelings and desires that matter and if their partner can’t satisfy their desires and feelings, they can easily find it someone else who can.

A fourth reason…social media. You are probably wondering how and why would social media play apart?  The Internet is World Wide Web for people to easily connect, especially discreetly.  Apart from social sites such as facebook and twitter to name a few, there are other social websites that allow people to interact with others either publicly or discreetly.  Partners can now spend anonymous time interacting with other people who might fulfill or share the same fantasies that perhaps their partner may not share or like.  I am not blaming the internet on a whole but you have to admit our parents generation did not have the internet and they survived their marriage and with the technology with texting, instant messaging and the internet, one can easily interact others in a discretely way.

Times have changed a lot but with these changes it does not mean that being single is a bad thing.  Those who are still single plan to get married one day and have kids, but they like myself ideally would like to do it with the person who they truly love and are connected with and know that they will not have to worry about filing for a divorce a couple of years later because either you forgot to put down the toilet seat or dirty all the dishes and didn’t clean them up.  Being single should not be a crime or a punishment or something ridiculed.  So what if you are single and over 30? It just means that you have not found that ideal person yet.   And when they come they will.  Age ain’t nothing but a number but being in love and sharing and caring about that true soul mate does.

Dwight aka Medsoulbrother

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Posted by on October 25, 2012 in Uncategorized


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